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Woman Jokes

There are 10 Woman jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

How Women Shower (Added On: 2016-07-20 Rating : 2.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

HOW WOMEN SHOWER
Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73ºF.
Carefully fold each item, and place in clothes hamper.
Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
Look at your womanly figure in the mirror, and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you¹re getting fat.
Position the shower nozzle pointing away from you, and turn on the water.
Get into the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair once again (just to make sure) with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber & Lamfrey Conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Watch falling hair accumulate around drain strainer.
Wash your face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
Complain bitterly when you realize your husband has once again been eating our Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
Rinse Conditioner of hair, a process which should take at least 15 minutes, as you must be sure it all comes off.
Shave armpits, and evaluate whether there is enough time and hot water left to do legs.
Slick hair back, and pretend you are Bo Derek.
Use Pumice Stone to soften rough spots on feet.
Use Massage Mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
Use nail brush to clean toenails.
Scream loudly (high F# is an especially effective note to reach for) when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of scalding water.
Cover your entire body with baby oil.
Turn hot water on full, and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for your husband.
Pat yourself dry, then rub briskly all over with a towel the size of a small African country.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
Apply Body Lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize!
Return to bedroom wearing your long dressing gown and towel on head, covering up suddenly if you see your husband.
Blow dry hair using an appliance powerful enough to lift Dorothy¹s whole farm out of Kansas.

HOW MEN SHOWER

Enter shower, turn on water
Soap and Rinse. Turn off shower
Towel dry. If no towel available, just roll over once on the bed.
Done.


Homework Assignment (Added On: 2016-06-28 Rating : 2.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnny’s turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."


Young Attractive Woman (Added On: 2016-01-15 Rating : 2.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said:
"Paint my house."


A wish (Added On: 2016-01-12 Rating : 2.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I canmake a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge??"


Good Trade (Added On: 2016-01-07 Rating : 2.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaimed his friend, "Good trade."


There are 10 Woman jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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