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Diet / Weight Loss Jokes

There are 18 Diet / Weight Loss jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Now I lay me down to sleep (Added On: 2017-11-03 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Now I lay me down
to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my fat to take,
And leave behind a skinny shell,
And all my fat can go to hell!

The Dieter's Prayer (Added On: 2017-09-16 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

My appetite is
my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly,
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gain I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.

The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I soon shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and flabbiness shall follow me
All the days of my life.
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

Let's eat!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall (Added On: 2017-09-05 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Mirror, mirror
on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
you won't cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise -
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!

Brain fat (Added On: 2017-06-26 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

No diet will remove
all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without
a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.
~George Bernard Shaw

Chocolate cake (Added On: 2017-06-04 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

An overweight business
associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took
his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate
cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I
accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window
was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord,
if you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, let me
have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.' And sure enough,"
he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

There are 18 Diet / Weight Loss jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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