Mixed dancing (Added On: 2017-11-21 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A couple was taking classes before getting married and they reviewed the laws for couples. The rabbi put a lot of emphasis on staying away from mixed dancing parties. He claimed it to be a huge sin and to stay away.
A few sessions later they were learning about laws of family and sex. The groom asked, "is all types of sex permitted?" The rabbi replied some are questionable, he had to be specific. The groom asked, "Is military position o.k.?" the rabbi said, " yes perfect."
"How about woman on top?"
"Yes, fine" replied the rabbi.
In a chair?"
No problem." He answered.
The Rabbi got angry and said, " No way, no how...it may lead to mixed dancing!
A Jewish Samurai (Added On: 2017-10-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
The Matchmaker (Added On: 2017-10-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Irving can?t seem to find the right girl, so his mother hires a matchmaker. The matchmaker tells him, ?I think I have the perfect girl for you. She?s descended from royalty, she?s a multi-millionaire, she has a Ph.D. in quantum mechanics, she?s a beauty contest winner, an Olympic athlete, and a world-class cook. She?s got a villa in Spain and a fleet of yachts. She?s also got the nicest personality of anyone you?ve ever met. But there?s one problem: she?s not Jewish.?
Irving says, ?My mother will never go for it.? The matchmaker says, ?Leave it to me.?
And so she starts going to work on the mother. At first, the mother says ?Absolutely not.? She refuses even to hear of it, and throws the matchmaker out of the house. Over many weeks, however, the matchmaker wears down her resistance. The matchmaker points out all the advantages that the match has for her son, and how unlikely it is that he will ever get another such opportunity. The matchmaker also points out, ?Look, Mrs. Mandelbaum, I don?t mean to speak out of turn, but your boy Irving isn?t getting any younger. To tell you the truth, he?s not so good looking, he doesn?t have a good job, he?s out of shape, he?s scrawny, he?s short, he?s not too bright, he?s still living with his mother, and he?s not exactly irresistible. Let me tell you, this is the best we?re going to get. It may be your son?s last chance. Are you really going to stand in the way of your son?s happiness??
The son chimes in too: ?Look, Ma, I?ve tried and I?ve tried, and I?ve gotten nowhere. This is the only chance I have. I don?t want to be a lonely old man. Please let me do it!?
Tearfully, the mother finally gives in and agrees to the match.
The matchmaker claps her hands together and says, ?Great! Now half my work is done!?
Yackity Yackity. (Added On: 2017-10-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
I had it all. (Added On: 2017-09-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
"I had it all" said Nathan to his friend Aaron,A very profitable business, a beautiful home, three cars, a son and daughter both in medical school, and the love of a beautiful woman. Then poof...it was all gone"
"Oy vay, vat heppened?" asked Aaron.
My vife found out, now she has it all"
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