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Jewish Jokes

There are 95 Jewish jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Reading Matzah (Added On: 2018-02-11 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah.

Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this junk?"

The Pope and the Jew (Added On: 2018-01-31 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The Pope and The Jew

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy.

If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate.

Rabbi Moishe, however refused, saying it was no use and the Jews might as well start packing.

The people were distraught.

Out of the weeping and wailing, a voice was heard. It was Yakel saying "I will do it".

The people said "you Yakel? you are just a dumb schmuck. How could you, who cannot even read the Torah, face the pope?"

"It is either me or move," replied Yakel.

So the people agreed.

However, as Yakel spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Yakel sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Yakel looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Yakel pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Yakel pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Yakel was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the delirious Jewish community was gathered around Yakel.

What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Yakel, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours.'

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.' "

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Yakel. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Oy veh...

The drowning son (Added On: 2018-01-18 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A Jewish mother was seen running along the beach screaming, "Help! Help! My son, the doctor, is drowning!"

Monica Again! (Added On: 2018-01-05 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Q: What did Ms. Lewinsky allegedly say when

offered a position at the UN?

A: Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"

Lucky Horse (Added On: 2017-12-19 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He is an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money?" she says. "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." "You fool!" she said, "Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat." "It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

There are 95 Jewish jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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