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Rules for Women (Added On: 2017-08-14 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.
6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
9. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
13. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
18. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg (Added On: 2017-08-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this....... By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?
You have sex with a (Added On: 2017-07-26 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
You have sex with a woman and you yell out, "Who's your daddy?!" Later you learn the woman's mother was artificially inseminated...Uncomfortable situation.You tell your aunt you'd give your left breast to go to the Jets game. Your aunt then tells you she just had a double mastectomy...Uncomfortable situation.You make fun of the Valtrex commercials. Your faithful girlfriend has a sudden interest in canoeing...Uncomfortable situation.You're a cannibal. Turns out the people you're staying with are vegetarians...Uncomfortable situation.You think your boyfriend is going to make you an Amsterdam dish. Turns out he meant something else by "Dutch Oven"...Uncomfortable situation.You go to the doctor for a rectal examination. He says when he uses gloves it "just doesn't feel the same"...Uncomfortable situation.8) You ask if you can have the day off for Yom Kippur. Your first name is Adolf...Uncomfortable situation.
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE (Added On: 2017-07-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
***** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS *****
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
What Kind Of Guy Are You? (Added On: 2017-07-17 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) Not a concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still
a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
There are 136 Naughty jokes in this category.
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