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Naughty Jokes

There are 140 Naughty jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Life According To TV Land (Added On: 2017-10-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

What the world is like in TV land:

1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

26. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info

27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.

28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.

30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.

31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.

36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.

37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don't do drugs.

40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.

41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.

42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.

44. Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.

47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.

48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.

50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.

51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.

52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.

53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.

54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing.

55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).

Fun with salesmen (Added On: 2017-09-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

When a salesperson calls... 1. Insist you only trade in furs. 2. Hint that your on the verge of suicide. 3. Speak only in Pig Latin 4. Ask what the person is wearing. 5. Suddenly burst into showtunes. 6. Say "OK ill pay the ransom by three, just STOP CALLING" Hang up before they respond. 7. Answer the call with "Bat Cave." 8. Pretend like you are a phone sex operator. Act as if they are calling in. 9. Say you have mental telepathy and that they should get there mind out of the gutter. 10. Act as if you are in the bathroom. Constapation noises help. 11. Slowly move the reciver away and then scream loudly YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!! Start crying. 12. Scream "THE VOICES" and hang up. 13. In a very manly tone, say "Mommys not home right now, can me and teddy take a message?" 14. Ask them to hold on and scream "Get Fluffy away form the toaster!" 15. End the conversation with "This conversation never happened." Hang up immediantly. 16. Act as if they are your best friend. Inquire about the wife and kids. 17. Play Barry Manilow in the background and yell "ROCK ON!!!!!!" 18. Talk in a lisp and say "Hold on sweetcakes, I'll be right back!" 19. Make songs with the button tones. 20. Repeat everything they say. 21. Talk in third person. 22. Keep asking where they are from, when they ask why say "oh youll find out soon enough" then cackle murderously. 23. Ask how many Yen that will cost. 24. If they are male, act as if they are female, vise-versa. 25. Make weird noises for no reason then demand why they did that. 26. Pretend its a war and that CHARLIES ALL OVER ME!!! make bomb noises if nessasary. 27.Do bird calls and insist that your listening. 28. Ask them if they want a Valium. 29. Laugh histarically every time they say 'and'. 30. Pretend you are trying to get them to join your cult.

Truisms! (Added On: 2017-09-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."
* Death to all fanatics!
* Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
And finally....
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you

A man goes into his (Added On: 2017-08-22 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

Rules for Women (Added On: 2017-08-14 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

4. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.

6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

9. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.

10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

13. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

18. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."

There are 140 Naughty jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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