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Seasonal / Holiday Jokes

There are 127 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

No known species (Added On: 2018-01-09 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 1 in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle certain children due to various religious beliefs, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ''flying reindeer'' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - - - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporize

Cat's Christmas (Added On: 2017-12-19 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.

'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him

And tore him apart -

Ate his mouse intestines

And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,

Which made him take pause -

He stopped daintily licking

The blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa," thought Kitty

(That quite clever cat)

'Cuz nobody else climbs down

The chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa

So jolly and fat

With a huge load of presents

And all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"

Kitty thought with a purr,

Then he coughed up a hairball

And shed some more fur!

You might be a redneck if...Inbreeding (Added On: 2017-12-18 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

You might be a redneck if... Northern city-dwellers mock your isolated rural heritage, and utilize stereotypes referencing your supposed appetite for fornication with family relations, and your almost simian intelligence to further demean you.

Why do vampires need mouthwash? (Added On: 2017-12-10 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

They have bat breath...

Retranslations of translations for the Holidays (Added On: 2017-11-29 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Yesterday I visited a translation website and translated some Christmas carols into other languages, then back into English. The results as follows:

Jingleglocken, jingleglocken, jingle completely.
Oh which fun it is to ride into a horse-opened sleigh.
("Jingle Bells," translated into German and then back into English)

Ring of sleighbells, are you listening?
In the track the snow is shining.
A beautiful vista, we are tonight happy,
Walking in the country of the wonders of the winter.
("Winter Wonderland," Spanish)

Icily Snowman a lucky merry soul
With one was formed from a key corncob,
And the nose and two eyes, those from coal.
("Frosty the Snowman," German)

Rudolph the red-nose reindeer has had a nose a lot polishes,
And if you never saw it, you would even say that she emits light.
("Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," Italian)

You would improve the clock towards the outside,
You would improve not the shout,
You would improve not the codfish.
I is saying to him Papa Noel is coming to the city.
("Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," Spanish)

By Robin Pearce (a psychologist with time on his hands)
(And thanks to Steve Kilbride)

There are 127 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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