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Seasonal / Holiday Jokes

There are 110 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Twas the Night Before Christmas (Added On: 2017-08-13 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Politically Correct Version

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to ''Elves'',

''Vertically Challenged'' they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called ''Unenlightened.''

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone and his wife,

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

''May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.''

Parrot gets around (Added On: 2017-07-31 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Yet another parrot joke:

Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing
a talking bird. However, it seems a lot of people are going to receive
talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her
entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw.
It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior
to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw
and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled
on a perch at her home he looked around and said:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!"

Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school.
Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!"

Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him
the bird squawked:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!"

Redneck (Added On: 2017-07-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

You might be a red neck if your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade!

you might be a redneck if you mow your yard and find a 1956 chevy!

Rednecks and Turtlenecks (Added On: 2017-07-21 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

If you think turtleneck is an ingrediant in soup, you might be a redneck.

Santa is most certainly a man (Added On: 2017-07-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

In reference to "Santa is a woman": Santa is a man.

It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal" that Santa has to be a man. Delegation ... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet ... there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) That's a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, she'd be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boy's house in a single year, let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot 'em up, battery operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving one's self esteem. Christmas just wouldn't be the same.

I'll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer ... Dasher, Comet, Blitzen ... If those aren't male names for football players, than I'm an elf.

And if that isn't proof enough, consider the following:

Santa Claus could never have been a woman! Who else but a man would:

Be really generous once a year,
Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months,
(And 29 days, we'll give him Christmas Eve & Day),

And yet think he was a saint?

And the clincher: No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.

There are 110 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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