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Seasonal / Holiday Jokes

There are 104 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Xmas (Added On: 2017-06-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Seen on an office wall, a big sign:

Christmas cancelled - Joseph confessed


Operation order 12-00 for: official visit of LTG Santa Claus (Added On: 2017-06-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.


Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

Personnel will utilize standard "T" ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T" ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.

Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG's will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

At first [sign] of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes.On order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.

Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operators license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout, "On Dancer, On Prancer, etc."


LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or, "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

FOR THE COMMANDER
GOODE, U. B., LTC, OD
Executive Officer


Are You A True Southerner? (Added On: 2017-06-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


A true Southerner knows what "catywompus" means.

A true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit"
and a "conniption" and they don't "HAVE" them, they "PITCH" them.

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "YONDER".

A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!).

True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "Just down the road"
can be 1 mile or 20.

A true Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A true Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.

A true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
something
that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

True Southerners make friends while standing in lines. And
when we are "in line" we talk to everybody!

Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin .," you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and sweet milk".
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like
our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.


Question and answer Christmas joke (Added On: 2017-06-08 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.


Lucky Guys! (Added On: 2017-05-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Darn, it's good to be a man.



Your last name stays put.



The garage is all yours.



Wedding plans take care of themselves



Chocolate is just another snack.



You can be president.



You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.



Car mechanics tell you the truth.



The world is your urinal.



You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just



too



icky.



Same work, more pay.



Wrinkles add character.



Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.



People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.



The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.



New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



One mood, ALL the time.



Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.



You know stuff about cars and trucks.



A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.



You can open all your own jars.



You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be



your



friend.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a six-pack.



Everything on your face stays its original color.



Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.



You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.



You never have strap problems in public.



You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.



You don't have to shave below your neck!



One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.



You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.



You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.



You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45



minutes or less.



Now do you understand why men are so cheerful?


There are 104 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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