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Seasonal / Holiday Jokes

There are 127 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Christmas Party Festivity Levels (Added On: 2018-02-06 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Level I:
Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing Christmas carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.

Level II:
Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta Be Me" while others begin rearranging your Christmas ornaments.

Level III:
Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Level IV:
Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to get to Level III is egg-nog.


Tail Light On A Bike (Added On: 2018-02-01 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


On
Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at
a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny
new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got
there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid
a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took th
The cop said, "e ticket, but before he rode off
he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you
got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure
did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to
put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


12 days of Christmas re-examined in light of competition (Added On: 2018-01-21 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Happy Holidays!

Santa's Workshop Inc., a Limited Liability Partnership Corporation


Things not to say when hanging lights on the Christmas tree (Added On: 2018-01-21 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?

Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of "Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree."

"You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

"Give me that!"

"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Where's the cat?"


Story-telling in computer languages (Added On: 2018-01-10 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


An absolute masterpiece of "Santa Claus is coming to town" translated into Unix Shell Script.

better watchout
better !cry
better !pout
lpr why
santaclaus town

cat >list /etc/passwd
ncheck list
ncheck list
grep >nogiftlist naughty list
grep >giftlist nice list
santaclaus town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad|good
for (goodness sake) {be good}


There are 127 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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