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Seasonal / Holiday Jokes

There are 119 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Why do vampires need mouthwash? (Added On: 2017-12-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

They have bat breath...

Retranslations of translations for the Holidays (Added On: 2017-11-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Yesterday I visited a translation website and translated some Christmas carols into other languages, then back into English. The results as follows:

Jingleglocken, jingleglocken, jingle completely.
Oh which fun it is to ride into a horse-opened sleigh.
("Jingle Bells," translated into German and then back into English)

Ring of sleighbells, are you listening?
In the track the snow is shining.
A beautiful vista, we are tonight happy,
Walking in the country of the wonders of the winter.
("Winter Wonderland," Spanish)

Icily Snowman a lucky merry soul
With one was formed from a key corncob,
And the nose and two eyes, those from coal.
("Frosty the Snowman," German)

Rudolph the red-nose reindeer has had a nose a lot polishes,
And if you never saw it, you would even say that she emits light.
("Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," Italian)

You would improve the clock towards the outside,
You would improve not the shout,
You would improve not the codfish.
I is saying to him Papa Noel is coming to the city.
("Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," Spanish)

By Robin Pearce (a psychologist with time on his hands)
(And thanks to Steve Kilbride)

My Xmas (bit offensive to OJ, environmentalists and Milli Vanilli) (Added On: 2017-11-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

I posted this a year ago, but the time is right to revive it. If I get some hate mail I'll turn it into an annual event!

The Cole family had a great Christmas this year, even though our Dinner didn't include our traditional Christmas Swan. I missed watching the kids fight over neck.

We did have an Endangered Species Awareness dinner. For hors d'oevres before dinner we had lightly grilled Snail Darters. The first course was a delectably light Spotted Owl consomme. The main course was a Californis Condor stuffed with baby seal. My mom knows that baby seals lose a lot of their flavor and vitamins if they are shot and not properly clubbed. Best of all, this year I got to OJ the bird.

My nephew was thrilled with his present. I gave him a Milli Vanilli doll. You press the button and Teddy Ruxbin Sings.

Santa's Lap (Added On: 2017-11-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

The Duck (Added On: 2017-10-16 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

There are 119 Seasonal / Holiday jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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