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Science Jokes

There are 14 Science jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Chem one-liners 01 (Added On: 2017-07-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike AdamsChemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
None. That's what organic chemists are for!It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. --quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logaritm is linear with 1/T -- D.L. BunkerQ: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.


Asked in science class (Added On: 2017-05-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


REAL QUESTIONS ASKED IN SCIENCE CLASSESAre the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain? Is that the ocean? (Asked while on a field trip to Marine Lab Beach on Guam (a small island in the Pacific).How can the river be flowing north? That's uphill! How can mass wasting be an agent of landscape formation on the Moon? The Moon has no gravity! How do I get water into this beaker?


The Cesium song 12 (Added On: 2017-02-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.--- Songs of Cesium #76


Cartoon Laws Of Physics (Added On: 2017-02-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


The following is a list of the Cartoon Laws Of Physics:

Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.


Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.


Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.


Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.


Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.


Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.


Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.

This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.


Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.


Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.


Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.


Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.


Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.


Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.


Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.


The alcohol trouble (Added On: 2017-01-23 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teacher's bunsen. For safety's sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where that's going?I opened the cupboard 'neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, "Er, Sir..." just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the box only sagged slightly!


There are 14 Science jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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