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Military Jokes

There are 45 Military jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Comedians best lines (Added On: 2017-06-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."' "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."'


Marine corps (Added On: 2017-05-13 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


A marine and a sailor are in the bathroom. When they finish, the sailor says,"In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands," and the marine says," In the marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."


Multilanguage (Added On: 2017-04-17 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Dorogoi friend!

Mind volnuujet one kysymys. That dvuhkeelsuse story. Mitmelt poolt moshno bõlo lugeda, that kahden kielen oskus vlijajet nehorosho. I have svoi seisukoht tässä kysymyksessä. Nimelt olen juba varasest agest saati tshtõrekielinen.

And vsjo okei. Äiti õpetas estonskit, Soome TV finnskit, keeltekoolis õppisin angliiskit, Soviet Armys russkit.

Yhteistulos on hämmastav - new language!

Kui kõik jõuaks so far, oleks kaikki kunnossa. Igat jazõkki natuke and everybody ponimajet, mida keegi govorit.

Otshevidno, et see võiks olla natshala dlja new international kieli, kymmenen times better tshem esperanto.

Pole ka vaja bojatsa, that estonskii keel hääbub - naoborot, tämä kieli teeks meistä meshdunarodno famous.

Kutsun üles kogu narodi oppimaan tätä keelt. As you can see, on seegi statja fourkeelne, aga koje-shto can ymmärtää predstaviteli tshetõrjoh narodov!

Vot milline kasu! Eesti people - ärge mõshlite enää! Future on tshetõrekieliste päralt!

Jaan-John Kuznetsov


NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale (Added On: 2017-04-13 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.'' And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. ''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis. ''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. ''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully. ''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.'' ''What's that?'' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

''Government.''


Two men trying hard not to get drafted (Added On: 2017-04-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, "I hear that if you don't have any teeth they won't take you." They decide it's worth a try, so they stop at a Dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big 'ol farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the 2nd toothless guy lines up behind him.

The first toothless guy steps up and the doc asks, "Anything wrong with you?"

The Guy says, "Well, no, except I don't have any teeth."

The Doc says, "Open up and let me have a look." The Guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, "Sure enough, you stand over there." The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The Farm boy steps up and the doc asks, "Anything wrong with you?"

The Farm Boy says, "No doc, 'ceptin I have a little case of the piles."

The doctor says, "Bend over, spread 'em and let me see."

The Boy does so.

The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, "Sure enough. You've got 'em, stand over there."

The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, "Anything wrong with you?"

He bellows, "NOT GODDAMN THING, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN!!!"


There are 45 Military jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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