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Military Jokes

There are 57 Military jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

OH, do behave! (Added On: 2018-02-14 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
Nice legs... What time do they open?
Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight
Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
You might not be the best looking girl here but beauty is only a light switch away.
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name) ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?


A Paratrooper's First Jump (Added On: 2018-02-06 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

(I heard this from my stepson, who says that it was running rampant
in the barracks while he was in the Army...)

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed
the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and
finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The
next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the
plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for
volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other
men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was
the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I
was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or
he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed
onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over
the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about
six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you
gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So
the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.
I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

The General's Valet (Added On: 2018-01-13 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

Return Photo (Added On: 2017-12-18 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Andrea was telling me about her brother, when he was a soldier serving overseas, how when he was far from home and was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying:

"Regret cannot remember which one is you --please keep your photo and return the others."

Air Force denies stories of UFO crash (Added On: 2017-11-29 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft."

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases." Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up," pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

There are 57 Military jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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