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Religious Jokes

There are 93 Religious jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Poor Bill Gates (Added On: 2017-06-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.""Fine, but where should I go first?""I'll leave that up to you.""Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first."So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter."Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?""That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Taking it with you (Added On: 2017-06-23 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven (Added On: 2017-06-14 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates andannounces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon readingthe entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff andto proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watchingthese proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanningthe preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay,we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "ButI am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely Irate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

Christ did not say "Kill (Added On: 2017-06-11 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Christ did not say "Kill trees for Christmas".

Medievel Pick up lines (Added On: 2017-06-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? Been there, slain that. What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this? They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched. Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor. Wench: What's that sound? Knight: That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague! Your hovel or mine? Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action? Dost thou practice safe hex? Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart. You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now. I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on! Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear? You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!! I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs? My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it. I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you? You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down. I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady. C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away. I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit? Can I hose down your doublet? Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridg

There are 93 Religious jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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