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Bar Jokes

There are 146 Bar jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

World records (Added On: 2017-10-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Three leprechauns, Sean, Mick and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, 'Jaysus, I'm bored wid bein' a feckin' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book.''What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit? You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for,' says Sean.'Well, it's me hands, Sean,' Mick says, waving them around. 'I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous.'The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking heartily.A little while later Kevin pipes up, 'Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guinness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I.'The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, 'How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool?'Kevin replies, 'It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet,' and he takes his boots to show them. 'I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guinness Book of Records too.'The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking.Some time later Sean chimes in, 'Well, if youse two can get into de Guinness Book of Records, I can too.' The others fall about laughing.
'What de feck have you got dats so feckin' interesting?' cries Sean.
'It's me dick,' he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy.'Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean', says Kevin. 'Days the smallest feckin' dick I ever saw,' and with that they all go back to their drinking.Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when, out of the corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street. 'Jaysus,' he says, 'I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured' and off he staggers.Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face, waving his hands in the air. 'I did it. I did it,' he says. 'I'm in de Guinness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobody's got smaller hands dan me,' he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. ''Go on, ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on.''Feck it. I will,' says Kevin and off he staggers.Ten minutes later he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air. 'Jaysus, I'm famous,' he says. 'I've got de smallest feet in de world. I'm famous, I'm famous.'With that Sean staggers to the office door. 'I'm gonna get me dick measured,' he says. 'I won't be long.'The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by.Ten minutes turns into 20 and 20 into 30. No sign of Sean. Forty
minutes go by and the office door opens. Sean slouches out looking disconsolate. 'Who de feckin' hell is Bill Gates?' he says.

Bar Joke (Added On: 2017-10-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

15 Signs You Drank Too Much (Added On: 2017-10-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping with your Oldsmobile. 14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile. 8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Missappropriated Chump (Added On: 2017-09-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. ''You, sir, are drunk!'' ''And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!''

Martooni (Added On: 2017-09-21 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A lady walks into a bar and says," Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni." So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says," Would you like another?" She says," Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."
The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

There are 146 Bar jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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