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Foul Language Jokes

There are 163 Foul Language jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Just plain sick (Added On: 2017-06-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Dave and his wife were laying in bed when Dave decided that he was going to go fishing. He then informed his wife that he was going to give her three options for her day. 1 was that she was going to go fishing. 2 was that she was going to give him a blow job. 3 was that she was going to screw him. He told her that he was going outside to load the boat, and would be back in 10 minutes.

Sure enough, 10 minutes passed and he returned. Dave asked his wife what her decision was. She replied that she did not want to go fishing. She then said that she did not want to screw him, so a blow job it was.

She began and lasted about three seconds when she came up spitting, and replied that his dick tasted like shit. Dave's response was, "Yeah I know, the dog didn't want to go either."

Murphys Law on Love and Sex (Added On: 2017-06-19 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I promise." "I'm not really married." "It's only a cold sore." "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important." "This won't hurt, I promise." "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always be together." A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law). If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa... When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature. and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

Declan the Crab (Added On: 2017-06-17 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore...." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke..............

"Fuck, I'm pissed."

Rabbit and Bear (Added On: 2017-06-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No, of course not!"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

Offensive to rattlesnakes (Added On: 2017-06-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy
has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over
by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself.

Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!"
"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor."

So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor
and asks what he should do. "Well," said the doc," you must cut
crosses in the wound and suck out the poison." "Is that the only way
Doc?" asked the man. "Yes, you must do that or he'll die."

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what
did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die, mate. You're gonna die."

There are 163 Foul Language jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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