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Foul Language Jokes

There are 177 Foul Language jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Scottish Love Rites (Added On: 2017-08-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.Preparation
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, 'Any chance of na nookie?'
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, 'Awaity f*** ya bam.'Foreplay
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, 'Here we go, here we go, here we go.' Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.Initial problems
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, 'Ya useless bastard,' or possibly, 'It never happens tae ra milkman.'Fellatio
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, 'Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?'
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. 'Go on yersel,' she says, 'list dinnae disturb me.'Down to business
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, 'F*** me, I've shot ma load.'
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, 'Shite, arsehole.'
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, 'Are you sure it's in?'
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.'
Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

The Three Choices (Added On: 2017-08-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There once was a man who wanted to go fishing so he asked his wife if she wanted to go fishing or not and she said NO. So the man said you can either go fishing, take it annal, or give him a blow job. He told her to think about it while he put the dog in the truck. When he came back she said she would give him a blow job. So she did five minutes later she stops and said this tastes like shit. And he said the dog didnt want to go fishing either.

Birth Signs (Added On: 2017-08-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a freakin' jerk.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER (Jun 21 - Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a damn.
LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

One by one (Added On: 2017-08-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Conversation at the grocer's

- Good morning!

- Morning.

- What is that, please?

- Bananas.

- Are they fresh?

- Yes, they are fresh.

- Give me ten pounds, please.

- Okay, here you go.

- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?

- Yes, sure.

(couple of minutes)

- Here you go.

- Thanks. And, what is that, please?

- Oranges.

- Are they fresh?

- Yes, they are fresh.

- Give me ten pounds, please.

- Okay, here you go.

- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?

- Yes, sure.

(couple of minutes)

- Here you go.

- Thanks. And, what is that, please?

- It's poppyseed, motherfucker, but it's not for sale!

Dirty limerick contest (Added On: 2017-08-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

This guy enters a contest to see who can write the dirtiest limerick.

He writes a real doozie and figures that he's a lead-pipe cinch to win. Six weeks later he gets a notice in the mail that he's come in second place. Curious as to what could be filthier than the limerick he entered, he calls up the contest judge.

The judge says, "Well, you certainly had a fine entry, but there was one that just was hands-down dirtier than yours. I'd read it to you, but there are certain words I just can't say over the telephone."

"All right," the contestant says, "when you come to a word you can't say on the phone, just say the word 'blank.'"

So the contest judge says, "Good. Here's the winner:

"Blankety, blankety, blank
"Blankety, blankety, blank.
"Blankety blank,
"Blankety blank,
"Blankety blankety fuck."

There are 177 Foul Language jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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