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Political Jokes

There are 222 Political jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Top ten Bill Clinton future plans (Added On: 2018-01-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Hire relationship counselor; see if he and Monica can give it another shot
Run for Mayor of New York and bring back the hookers!
Just enjoy being a regular U.S. citizen...with round-the-clock Secret Service and a $200,000 severance
Every morning check classifieds for job openings under "Presidents"
Get bitchin' Camaro, cruise around Chappaqua for lonely housewives
Wait till statute of limitations runs out, admit everything
Tell Bush, "No, you take over in 2004," stay President
Same thing he did back in Arkansas - eat Crisco while watching reruns of "Bonanza"
Call Al Gore, ask for "Lou Zer," hang up
Two words: Temptation Island


©MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.


Weird local USA sex laws (Added On: 2017-12-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

An excerpt form brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club".

The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.


Hunting Elephants (Added On: 2017-12-23 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa,
throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left.

Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove
the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1
as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence
of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture
of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising
Algorithm A:


Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,

Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A
by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate.
Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Hardware engineers hunt elephants by going to
Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of
them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe
that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times
and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have
never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do.

Operations research consultants can also measure the
correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the
elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will
share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow
the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire
herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Vice Presidents of engineering, research, and
development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are
designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt
elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice
president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:


(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and

(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy
based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants
and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the
jeep.

Sales people don't hunt elephants but spend their
time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before
the season opens.

Software Sales people ship the first thing they catch
and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray,
and sell them as desktop elephants.


People were saying G.W.Bush is stupid (Added On: 2017-12-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Offensive to G. W. Bush fans.

G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."

She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"

So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


Smart politicians (Added On: 2017-12-08 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.

After dinner, Bill says to Kjell " Well Kjell, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."

"How do you know?" asks Kjell Magne.

"Oh well, it's simple", says Bill. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her "Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Ah, that's simple Mr. President", says Madeleine, "it is me!"

"Well done Madeleine," says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.



Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: "Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Lars thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Bondevik, "you've got 24 hours."

Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team, but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried - still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says "I'll ask Gudmund Restad, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Restad.

"Gudmund," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Very simple", says Gudmund, "it's me!"

"Of course" says Lars and calls Kjell Magne Bondevik.

"Kjell Magne", says Lars, "I've got the answer: it's Gudmund Restad".

"No you idiot", says Bondevik, "it's Madeleine Albright".


There are 222 Political jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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