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Bar Jokes
Give Me A Double (Added On: 2010-07-20 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.” So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers. So the bartender asks, “What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?” So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.” How drunk are you? Official drinking test (Added On: 2010-07-20 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.Question answer valuesFor every question answered with an A, add ten points.For every question answered with a B, add five points.For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.ResultsFor scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.This doucment was written by the employees at Glowport. Modern Conveniences (Added On: 2010-06-29 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender..."I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm ok... I'm just waiting for a fax." Deaf Men in a Bar (Added On: 2010-06-22 Rating : 3.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!" Too Many (Added On: 2010-05-15 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) What's red,white,black and blue lying in a ditch? A redhead telling too many blonde joke's.
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