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Computer Jokes

There are 116 Computer jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet (Added On: 2017-10-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once more, slowly, don't do these things. If you do, you're a bad, naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty, *bad* person! Ok, now that *that's* out of the way, without further ado...

Post a message asking how to post messages.
Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***"
Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune "for a poll".
Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke.
Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group.
Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.
Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne.
Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts.
Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.
Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames.
Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number.
Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
Advise other readers to ftp to for "really cool nudie pics".
Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you "don't read the group".
Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild".
Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy".
Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.
Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar.
Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit.
Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting when you cross your eyes.
Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
Accuse female posters of being male.
Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental".
If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis.
Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico".
Post only in Esperanto.
Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it.
Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers.
Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys".
Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."
In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for Global Warming".
Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance in World War II.
Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom.
Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"
Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?"
Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article.
Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters.
Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance.
Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.
Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage "in the name of freedom".
Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
omit all punctuation
Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegel's book.
Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline".
Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety.
Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled.
Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic "AOL users suck".
Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply offnsiv".
Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again."
Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of "obsessing".
Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.
Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Bluto" or "Brutus".

Windows TP - the telepathic operating system (part 3) (Added On: 2017-10-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Microsoft denies link to loss of programmers

While acknowledging that such a typographical error would have undefined results at run time, and that error trapping in the compiler was not totally comprehensive, a Microsoft spokesperson denied that the recent demise of several Beta testers was linked to a typo they may have made while using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API using Neural C.

Such a typo has been linked in persistent rumors surrounding the as yet unreleased product Windows TP. It is reported to have occurred when programmers using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API inadvertently typed EXECUTE_PROGRAMMER_IMMEDIATE.

Internal sources who wished to remain unnamed commented, "This is BETA software after all and bugs are to be expected," "We can't trap every error a user may make," and "Any one who uses undocumented calls is on their own!"

Microsoft did say that it was unlikely that this problem would be addressed before release 2.0. "So far, we have not received a single bug report from a Beta tester experiencing this problem, so we do not see this as a critical market issue."

Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

Top 10 things to do while waiting for Windows 95 (Added On: 2017-10-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Another fine item from the minds of Intel engineers with a tad too much time on their hands:

Top 10 things to do while waiting for Windows 95

Try to fix all the other Windows stuff that ain't working.
Buy stock in the company that'll be making all those ('96) stickers.
Tease Microsoft for not having a great code name like OS/2 does.
Move to Seattle to save money on support calls and hear Frasier every morning to boot.
Think up some more "they'll have a version for it soon" excuses.
E-mail technet@microsoft.com every day asking "Is it done yet?"
Lobby to get name changed to "BOB - Profesional Edition."
Corner local Prozac and Mountain Dew markets, ransom to Microsoft development staff.
Consider renaming all in-house applications to something 95 to avoid deadlines.
Quit job, become sanitation engineer with decent pay and can-eat benefits.

MicroSoft 'Bob' (tm) (Added On: 2017-10-01 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies

REDMOND, Washington - January 4, 1995 - In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob" immediately select new first names.

"I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. "It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We won't, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them."

Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost.

The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their bodies.

Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day grace period during which they can select another related name. "We're being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark," said Bill Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs. "People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's trademark and obviously can't be allowed."

Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed to his forehead.

Quotes about computers (Added On: 2017-10-01 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Quotes about computers and software and other things
Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA

"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things."
--Doug Gwyn

"Walking on water and developing software from a specification
are easy if both are frozen."
-- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"

True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once you've turned the light on everyone can see..........
- unknown

"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"
- Rich Julius

"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."

Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere.

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh!!

PROGRAM - n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn
one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime
similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer
opportunities for reward.

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
- cartoon in the New Yorker

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
correct, not tried it.
Donald Knuth

Beware of programmers with screwdrivers.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us EDLIN.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
-- Rich Cook

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000
pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out
of the gene pool.
-- Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement
and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also
simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should,
therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
-- E. W. Dijkstra

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
-- Dijkstra

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
-- Joshua Heller

The Internet is mightier than the pen.

I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and
low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born
relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the
crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because
I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular
case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error.
I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
program to the point where it would not run at all.
-- George Greenstein,
"Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"

"A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has
over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On
the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
new versions of their own innards!"
-- Michael O'Brien

There are 116 Computer jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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