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Computer Jokes

There are 106 Computer jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Have you upgraded yet to windows '98 (Added On: 2017-08-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page


Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.


Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that


  • "98" is a higher number than "95"
  • a better than 3 percent increase.


But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).


Among the improvements:


  • faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models),
  • enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality,
  • smoother handling,
  • less knocking and pinging,
  • an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide,
    and
  • rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box.


Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.


Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.


Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages - just keep clicking "yes."


Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed - permanently.


Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.


However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.


We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)


If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.


Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).


You have an Internet addiction when . . . (Added On: 2017-08-17 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."


Baby Gates and Microsoft (Added On: 2017-08-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.


If this company ran Christmas... (Added On: 2017-08-08 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.


Top 10 unpublicized features of Chicago (Windows 4.0) (Added On: 2017-07-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


From: Gary Guibor on GEnie

Files can still vote for Mayor Daley even after they've been deleted
Marketing tie-in: new "Kibbles & 32-bits" dog food
New, more-realistic Microsoft Flight Simulator loses your luggage
System events accompanied by audio clip of Super Fans saying "da Bearssssss..."
(DELETED PENDING OUTCOME OF STACKER LAWSUIT)
Automatically taps into bank computers and gives Bill Gates the *rest* of your money
For an additional $2.95 per minute, tech support operators will talk dirty
Authentic-looking spilled coffee on "desktop"
In order to start Lotus 1-2-3, user must be sitting in lotus position
And the number one unpublicized feature of Chicago...
Strip solitaire


There are 106 Computer jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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