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Computer Jokes
Y2K - The Least of Our Worries (Added On: 2010-08-25 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) I used to be smug about the Y2K problem even though it was definitely a problem with 100% probability of occurrence. But then I got to thinking about chaos theory and what really causes big problems and disasters. It's the little unexpected things. For example, a barge strikes a bridge causing a train to fall into the water. Who would have predicted that? So, here's what you really need to watch out for in 1999: El Kabong. We all know about the problems caused by El Nino and La Nina. No one expects them both to occur simultaneously! They say it's impossible. Ergo, what do you suppose will happen? Both El Nino and La Nina at the same time. I call it El Kabong! It turns out to be the greatest natural disaster in modern time - but wait, there is finally some good news ... Due to the change to the Euro-dollar, a software glitch introduced by a Y2K date fix prevents a stock market meltdown. Investors would have been saved billions when what was just a 1-day panic was suddenly halted as the stock markets' computers crashed. However, a ruling by a Canadian judge forces the glitch to be removed since the comment describing the fix code was not written in both English and French. The panic is re-introduced and the world's markets are all thrown into the deepest depression of all time, until ... An exceedingly enormous comet is found to be heading to impact the earth within 6 months. Markets recover as governments spend zillions on the problem until it's determined that the comet is so huge it's impossible to stop! Just as panic and street violence strike every nation, ... Aliens arrive to plunder the earth. No, not illegal aliens. Aliens from UFOs. They say "resistance is futile" since they have also seen the comet which is coming to wipe us out. Since we're not going to be here to use it anyway, they just want to salvage as much of our resources as they can. That is until they meet ... Bill Gates (who having seen the comet's approach has stopped all work on the Y2K fix) sells all his remaining stock and control of Microsoft to the aliens, thereby becoming the riches man in the world for the next 3 months. In a final triumph of his newly found wealth, Bill buys up every computer running Linux and has them dropped one by one from the towers of the recently acquired World Trade Center. In the earth's last desperate days, further panic is spurred by the scarcity of gold when it is revealed by Ken Starr that the president has made a deal with the aliens to buy the world's remaining supply from the newly merged giant Exxon - Mobile - Microsoft - GM - REED - QVC - AOL - Shopping Channel.com. The world's dwindling food supply goes for sale on ebay and is purchased in it's entirety by the aliens whose super-fast computers (now crash-proof having installed the final service release (SR 187.342) to Windows 95) win all the auctions. In the final minutes before the earth's obliteration, the gargantuan alien craft with much of the world's wealth departs for it's home galaxy. Unfortunately, as the craft switches from earth-based to it's home-world interstellar systems, the date functions for their year 2 million (Y2M) cause the Microsoft Y2K fixes to fail. The ship is drawn into the comet's path and is totally obliterated. Serendipitously, an immense energy shockwave transports the comet into another dimension where it continues harmlessly. Thus the earth would be saved had the heat from the same energy shockwave which transported the comet not burned away all the earth's atmosphere. Now, you're probably saying to yourself "That could not happen." That's what they say about every bridge that collapses, about every Titanic that sinks, about every medicine with harmful side effects, about every president who tries to avoid impeachment. Think of your children! You can't afford not to be prepared? Send $0.25 for my original brochure: "How to prepare for the coming Comet - Alien Invasion - Bill Gates - Y2K - Market Collapse." (Include $99.75 for shipping & handling.) Do it today, 'cause I'll have it written by the time your order arrives! And if you don't believe it, just ask me, I'll tell you for sure it's true. (by Howard V. Carson, January, 1999) If Restaurants Functioned (Added On: 2010-08-25 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. [waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 New Microsoft Windows advertising slogans (Added On: 2010-07-25 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell. Computer Virus List 1 (Added On: 2010-06-20 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Ellen Degeneres virus: Monica Lewinsky virus: Titanic virus: Disney virus: Mike Tyson virus: Prozac virus: Sharon Stone virus: Microsoft Keyboards (Added On: 2010-06-09 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are: 1) GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault. 2) $$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention. 3) ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows 4) MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window. 5) FUD key--Self explanatory. 6) Chicago key--Generates do nothing loops for months at a time. 7) IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
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