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Computer Jokes

There are 134 Computer jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

An IBM acronym (Added On: 2018-02-17 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


IBM: Intense Bowel Movement


Technology Has Taken Over Your Life (Added On: 2018-02-16 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.


Twas the night before crisis (Added On: 2018-01-25 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"


A female computer consultant is (Added On: 2018-01-23 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


A female computer consultant is helping a smug man set up his machine. She asks him what password he'd like to log on with. Wanting to embarrass the woman, he tells her to enter the word PENIS. Without saying a thing, she keys in the password and almost dies laughing at the computer's reply: PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH.



An IBM acronym (Added On: 2018-01-16 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


IBM: I've Been Mugged


There are 134 Computer jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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