Welcome to A + Jokes - Your online resource for funny and hilarious jokes. See the 5 latest jokes added here. Browse the menu on the left for category based jokes. Check out the comic strip section where you can find many cartoons updated on a daily basis and weekly basis.
Sayings on womens t-shirts (Added On: 2018-01-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
And your point is ...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
Funny short bits... Probably true stories! (Added On: 2018-01-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Police in Ohio USA became suspicious of a man, providing them with a urine sample for a drug test, after officers noticed the sample was cold. They were even more astounded to find that the laboratory analysis indicated that the man was also very pregnant.
A Canadian police force drove a second hand patrol car around the city for over a year before finding out that it was actually a stolen vehicle.
A salesman in Australia sold over 5,000 tickets for a Conway Twitty concert before realising the singer died five years ago. Now he has had to refund all the disappointed fans their money.
An Australian expert in social skills, who believes in the power of a firm handshake, is being sued after breaking the fingers of four of his victims.
A Buddhist monk in Cambodia has been thrown out after he was caught singing in a karaoke bar in the city.
French fire fighters were called to deal with a fire in the engine of a delivery truck, which was loaded with fire extinguishers.
A man in Italy was shot with a tranquilliser dart by zoo keepers after he walked through the town dressed as a gorilla for a fancy dress party. The animal experts rendered the convincing lookalike unconscious as he walked the city streets during the evening.
The best salesman in the world (Added On: 2018-01-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A keen country lad dressed up in his only Sunday-go-to-meetin' suit, took the bus into the Big City and applied for a salesman's job at the big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the entire world - you could literally buy *anything* there. "So tell me," the boss asked him, "have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Sure have," said the lad, "I was the best salesman in the county back home!"
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "Well, OK: you can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up the store."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 PM came around, and the boss came by and asked him: "Well, how many sales did you make today, young man?"
"Oh, just one," said the young salesman.
"Only ONE?" blurted his boss. "Most of my staff can make 20 or 30 sales a day! OK, OK, so how much was the sale worth?"
"Well, lessee, all told that would be three hundred twenty-four thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars and sixty-seven cents," said the young fellow, smiling broadly.
"How in hell you manage THAT?!" asked his flabbergasted boss as soon as he could pick himself up off the floor.
"Waaaall", said the salesman, "this ritzy-lookin' feller came in and I sold him a small fishhook, y'see, and then he needed a medium-sized hook too, and finally we decided he needed a really large hook on top of those. Then, I sold him a small fishin' line, and a medium one and a pure-dee huge-mongous big'un! I asked him where he was goin' fishin' and he said "down the coast." I said he'd probably be needin' a boat too, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that-thar twenty-foot schooner y'all ain't been able to sell for nigh-on two years ... y'know the big'un with the twin engines? Waall, then the poor feller says his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull the whole kit-n-kaboodle, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser with a tow-hook on the rear. He was plum-happy!"
"Wait ..." said the boss as he took two steps back and stared at the lad in astonishment, "you sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISHHOOK?!?"
"Waaalll, naw, not 'zactly," answered the salesman, "y'see, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Hey pal, you and I both know your weekend's screwed, so you may as well go fishin', right?"
Baaaad News (Added On: 2018-01-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What?! How about the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
Golden Bar Joke (Added On: 2018-01-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
One night, a man comes home slightly drunk and his wife (who is suspecting
he's cheating on her) questions his whereabouts...
Wife: "Where were you??"
Man: "I was at this new bar called the Golden Bar. Everything is golden"
Wife: "Sure you were. There's no such place!"
Man: "There is! They have huge golden doors, a golden floors, and even
Wife: "Oh, I BELEIVE you 100%"
So, the next day the wife looks through the phone book for this golden bar.
She's surprised when she finds a Golden Bar located across town. She decides
to call up and check this out for herself...
Wife: "Is this the Golden Bar?"
Bartender: "Yes it is.."
Wife: "Do you have huge golden doors?"
Bartender: "Yes we do..."
Wife: "Do you have golden floors??"
Bartender: "We have them, too..."
Wife: "What about golden urinals?"
Bartender (speaking away from phone): "Hey Max, I think we have a lead on
the guy that fouled your alto-sax.
Let's make like ..... (Added On: 2018-01-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
...make like a tree and leave.
...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
...make like a bird and flock off
...make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like a missile and cruise.
...make like a fetus and head out.
...make like a baby and head out.
...make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
...make like a drum and beat it.
...make like a drummer and beat it.
...make like a bee and buzz off.
...make like Diarrhea and run
...make like a tire and hit the road
...make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
...make like a terrorist and blow this place.
...make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
...make like a douche and get the fuck out of there.
...make like a strawberry and jam.
...make like traffic and jam.
...make like stockings and run.
...make like a sock and run.
...make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
...make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta' here.
...make like a bread truck and haul buns.
...make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
We're off like a prom dress!!!
...make like a prom dress and take off.
We're off like pants in the dark.
...make like the devil and get the hell out of here.
...make like the Red Sea and split.
...make like the Red Sea and part.
...make like a banana in the presence of ice cream and split
...make like an amoeba and split...!
...make like the wind and blow.
...make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
...make like a driver and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a teamster and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a hippy and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like the Dead and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like lightning and bolt.
...make like a Nut and Bolt.
...make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
...make like a donkey's d!ck and hit the road.
...make like [insert name of unpopular politician or personality] and blow.
...make like Michael Jackson and "Beat it!"
...make like a hippy and blow this place.
...make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
...make like Tom and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Pick Ass Off here. (?)
...make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
...make like a jacket and zip.
...make like a magnet and flux off.
...make like Levi's and fade away.
...make like a bowel, and move.
...make like a tie and hang around some more.
...make like a botanist and leaf.
...make like a dog and flea.
...make like a register and shift.
...make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
...make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
...make like Houdini and disappear
...make like a mongrel and get lost
...make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
...make like data and move
...make like make(1) and update (your location)
...make like a football and kickoff
...make like a baseball player and home-run
...make like rot13 and shpx bss
...make like a pound and quid (quit).
...make like a jet and zoom.
...make like an airplane and take off.
...make like a hat and go on ahead.
...make like an atom and split.
...make like a Catholic and pull out.
...make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
...make like rain and get the hail out of here.
I'm going to take a sedimental journey and precipitate outta here.
I'm off like exit(0).
Let us leave (lettuce leaf) (only works for 2+, obviously)
Off like a dirty shirt.
Off like the brides pajamas.
We're off lika a bride's nightie...
Put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
Why don't you make like an asshole and post exit lines?
Hanging in there like stink on a stockyard boot.
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.
The award winner for the most relevant and irrelevant contribution;
There were other versions (corrections... sheesh!) but this was the first.
And don't forget my favorite (from Back to the Future):
"Make like a tree, McFly. Get outta here."
The award winner for the most tasteless contribution;
...make like an abortion and head out early.
What the marketing director of a major condom manufacturing company
said when asked to come up with a new gimmick for their new line
"Let's make like bullfrogs and ribbit"
- P. Inglis, Waterloo Ontario Canada.
The drowning son (Added On: 2018-01-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A Jewish mother was seen running along the beach screaming, "Help! Help! My son, the doctor, is drowning!"
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