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Trip to the Doctor (Added On: 2017-01-20 Rating : 2.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams…and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is apparent.
The doctor say, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde."
She sheepishly admits that she is indeed a blonde and asks, "But, how did you know?"
"Because, my dear…" he says, "Your finger is broken."
Morning Sickness (Added On: 2017-01-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"
"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings."
Windows TP - the telepathic operating system (part 4) (Added On: 2017-01-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Microsoft files trademark infringement lawsuit
REDMOND, WA (APR. 27) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced today that they have filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against Kimberly-Clark Paper Company. The lawsuit claims that Kimberly-Clark has knowingly violated trademark laws in their introduction of Windows TP line of paper products.
The lawsuit names four separate products from Kimberly-Clark: The Windows TP Quilted for home use and the discerning business, The Windows TP Non-Quilted quality bargain brand for general business and office use, The Windows TP "Floppy" Roughness for extended shelf life, and the Windows TP "CD-ROM" Recycled Waterproof Roughness for schools and backpackers.
Kimberly-Clark has acknowledged the lawsuit. In a written statement to the press, a spokesperson for Kimberly-Clark said, "Our product and computer software are unrelated. While it may be said that both Microsoft's product and ours have similar uses, we believe that they are sufficiently different that both can maintain the Windows TP name without infringement."
A Microsoft spokesperson said, "Our Windows TP product was conceived in the exact same place where the Kimberly-Clark product will be used, and thus is in clear violation of trademark laws. Also, every restroom facility already has a 'Window' in it, and more of these facilities are moving to computer automation.
"We feel that our Windows TP operating system will be in millions of bathrooms within the next year, and there are enough brands of TP out on the market already without adding another which clearly violates Microsoft's trademark."
REDMOND, WA (APR. 29) - Business Day
"Mr. Gates has no intention of deifying himself" a Microsoft spokesperson reassured an anxious delegation of meditators to-day. "It is traditional for the development team of a Microsoft product to include their names and bitmaps in the product. These bitmaps are only made visible through the activation of a 'backdoor' - an unusual combination of keystrokes.
"In the case of TPW (the telepathic version of Windows) the beta waves generated by the meditation activated the word 'beta' embedded in the version number contained in the code. This in turn triggered the release of the bitmap of Mr Gates", the spokesperson ended.
From the explanation given by the delegation it appears that the sudden appearance of the image of Mr 'Bill' Gates led several of the less experienced meditators to believe that they had been made privy to the appearance of the next saviour of the world.
When asked if this problem would be corrected before the product was released, the Microsoft spokesperson said that it was not official policy to comment on unreleased products.
Originally from Dave Coble
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
Chop And Drop (Added On: 2017-01-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
"Woman chops off sleeping man's penis and drops from moving car!" Don't laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!!
Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read that head-line and are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just upset them in general!!
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51 ways to make your parents think your insane (Added On: 2017-01-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Follow them everywhere.
Moo when they say your name.
Pretend to have amnesia.
Say everything backwards.
Give yourself a swirly.
Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "The sun!!! It's dying!!!"
Run into walls.
Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house in your underwear (or naked for that matter).
Have nervous breakdowns at spontaneous times.
Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
Pretend to worship the devil.
Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a HUGE grin on your face and yell, "Good morning sunshine!!!"
Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder.
Run in circles.
Recite a whole movie 3 times.
Pretend to beat yourself up.
Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA!!!"
Wear a sticker that says, "i'm a retard!!!"
Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist ... tell them you're making a fashion statement.
Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way.
Super glue your finger up your nose.
Talk to a pen. for that matter name it and call it your pet
Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to ALL the time.
Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe.
Try and climb the wall.
Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly.
Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead ... say you're a lovely unicorn.
In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!!"
Make weird animals noises at night, and when them come to see whats wrong, pretend like you're asleep and nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Do what they tell you to do.
Switch the light button on and off for a while. Then say, "Ooooh ... I get it!!!"
Eat your hair.
Tell them whatever they're eating looks like a certain animal.
Eat anything obviously not edible.
Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house.
Hold their hand and whisper to them, "i see dead people ... "
When you shower or bathe yell, "i'm drowning!!!"
Try to snorkel in your fish tank.
Ask them quietly, "Pardon me but do you have any ... " then yell, "SHOELACES!!!"
Chase an imaginary tail.
Demand your own area code.
At everything they say yell, "Liar!!!"
Pretend to be 326 years old.
Hang upside down in your closet.
Pretend to be a phone.
Try to swim in the floor.
Tap on their door all night.
Pretend to have multiple personalities.
Little boy asks to go to the toilet (Added On: 2017-01-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
There's a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to the toilet.
"Okay" says the teacher. "But first you've got to say the alphabet."
They boy says the alphabet: "a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z."
"What happened to the 'p'?" asked the teacher.
"It's running down my leg, Miss."
Two stockbrokers at lunch (Added On: 2017-01-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Two stockbrokers went to lunch. One looked at the other and said, "Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market or any kind of business at all."
"Good idea Sam. Let's talk about women."
"OK - common or preferred?"
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