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Have you upgraded yet to windows '98 (Added On: 2017-08-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that
- "98" is a higher number than "95"
- a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).
Among the improvements:
- faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models),
- enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality,
- smoother handling,
- less knocking and pinging,
- an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide,
- rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box.
Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages - just keep clicking "yes."
Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed - permanently.
Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.
However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).
Scotsman and his great dane (Added On: 2017-08-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a pint o'bitter.
A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walked in and the following conversation ensued:
Second man: "Is that your dog outside?"
First man: "Aye. What of it?"
Second man: "Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im."
First man, stunned: "What kind'a dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?"
Second man: "Well, e's a Chihuahua."
First man: "Ha! 'ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?"
Second man: "Well, I think the wee thing may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat."
Country joke about Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus (Added On: 2017-08-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists.
They are brought up in front of a firing line. The head terrorist asks Billy Ray Cyrus for any last requests. To which Billy replies "Well, I sure would like to sing _Achy Breaky Heart_ jus' one more time!"
The head terrorist says "fair enough".
The head terrorist then asks Garth Brooks the same question. And Garth answers "shot me first!"
Quotation for 1993 (American political humor) (Added On: 2017-08-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
The State of American political rhetoric:
"The plan is really a Doctor Kevorkian prescription for the jobs of American working men and women." Rep. Richard Armey, R-Texas, on the Clinton health care proposal.
At a congressional hearing Armey pledged to Hillary Clinton to make the health care debate exciting. Mrs. Clinton replied, "I'm sure you will do that, you and Doctor Kevorkian."
"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it's free." humorist P.J. O'Rourke.
"The people of the 5th district of Georgia did not send me here to sell them out for a mess of pottage (sic) and 30 (sic) pieces of silver." Democratic Rep. John Lewis, saying no to NAFTA.
Understatement of the year: "I spun myself out of control." Republican consultant Edward Rollins on his post-election statements about suppressing black voter turnout in the New Jersey governor's race.
"If we're going to prepare them for what goes on in the front seat, we ought to prepare them for goes on in the back seat." Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders on driver's education and sex education.
"The scariest and the most dangerous part of (Endeavor space shuttle) mission occurs this week, when the astronauts return to Florida and pick up their rental cars." Jay Leno.
"You need three things to be a successful pundit: an inexhaustible supply of effrontery, a short memory and the ability to spell the word 'Armageddon.'" Canadian journalist Gynne Dyer. If that is so, then we don't have to worry about Dan Quayle becoming a famous columnist.
But then there is Rush Limbaugh. "Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and just think to yourself, 'I am just full of hot gas?'" David Letterman questioning Rush Limbaugh who was on Letterman's show promoting his best-selling book *I Told You So*.
"I was not meant for the job or the spotlight of public life in Washington. Here, ruining people is considered sport." From Vincent Foster's suicide note, White House deputy counsel at the time.
Crazy Christmas Carol - Deck The Halls (Added On: 2017-08-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
My fiancee who is slightly twisted (obvious from her help on the last carol I posted) came up with this earlier this year.
Deck the halls with gasoline.
Light a match and watch them gleam.
Watch the school burn down to ashes.
Aren't you glad you played with matches.
See the blazing school before us.
Shoot the band and hang the chorus.
Toast professors like marshmellows.
Aren't they such delicious fellows.
The 9 types of girlfriends (Added On: 2017-08-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no- talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair colour?"
Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I've done it before. It's fun!"
Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel."
Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
Blonde and the Bottle Cap (Added On: 2017-08-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''
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