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15 Signs You Forgot Secretaries Day (Added On: 2017-06-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day
1. Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
2. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
3. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
4. When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
5. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
6. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
7. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
8. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
9. Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
10. Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."
11. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.
12. Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
13. Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
14. While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.
15. Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."
Redneck Bonanza! (Added On: 2017-06-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Q: What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
A: Either way somebody loses a trailer home!
You know you're a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.
You know you're a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!
If you've been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.
If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.
You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.
You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.
You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.
You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.
You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.
You might be a redneck if you think "fat-free" means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.
You know you're a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn't marry his daughter.
You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.
You might be a redneck if it's easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.
You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.
You know you're a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says "Concentrate."
You know you're a redneck when some one yells "hoe down" and your wife drops to the floor!
You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:
1) "Nothing says lovin' like loviní your cousin!"
2) "Why go across town when you can go across the hall?"
3) "If you can't keep it in the pants then keep it in the family."
You know you're a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.
You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.
You know you're a redneck when you're front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren't.
You know you're a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.
What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?
"Hey y'all, watch this!"
You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!
You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.
Stupid blondes (Added On: 2017-06-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A blonde comes home one day to find her husband banging another woman.
"Billy, what are you doing?!" she cries.
Billy looks at his lover and says, "See. I told you she was stupid."
An Unreasonable Wish Request (Added On: 2017-06-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete..how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women..know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know whatthey really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Difference (Added On: 2017-06-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Q: What is the differance between a blonde and a brunette?
A: A blonde has bigger boobs.
Smile, it makes people wonder (Added On: 2017-06-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Just remember... if the world (Added On: 2017-06-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
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