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Welcome to A + Jokes - Your online resource for funny and hilarious jokes. See the 5 latest jokes added here. Browse the menu on the left for category based jokes. Check out the comic strip section where you can find many cartoons updated on a daily basis and weekly basis.
Southern Drawl (Added On: 2010-09-02 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts." IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." Y'ALL -- noun. A degree of rotation.
Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll, and Y'all." BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime." HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ. HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix." RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65." TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred." RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats." (Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.) LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair." FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country." DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!" BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?" HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert." SEED - verb, past tense. VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?" HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" WARSH - verb. To clean. SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"
Of two possible events, only (Added On: 2010-09-02 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
OUCH! (Added On: 2010-09-02 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A young girl was having a tooth pulled and the dentist tells her the usual B.S. "This won't hurt at all" routine before bending over her with the pliers in his hand. He instantly drops the pliers in total panic. "Miss," he said in a weak whimper, "Your grabbing my groin!" "Yes Doctor, I know" she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"
What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? (Added On: 2010-09-01 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? Brain tumor.
Heart Surgeon (Added On: 2010-09-01 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!
The White House says President (Added On: 2010-09-01 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) The White House says President Clinton will make a speech on
campaign finance reform today in California. Says Argus Hamilton, "The
exact time hasn't been announced. Aides are still trying to fit it in
between fund-raisers."
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET (Added On: 2010-08-31 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ELEMENT: MAN ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs SYMBOL: EGO DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs. OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor) PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1) Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others. 2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense. 3) Melts if treated like a God. 4) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. 5) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. 6) Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element. 2) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened. 3) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking. 4) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. 5) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. 6) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 7) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6. 8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness. 9) Is impervious to embarrassment. 10) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.
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